There are some days I wonder if I’ve truly woken up, whether I’m being controlled by some gamer or by a puppeteer pulling invisible strings.
Life can feel quite daunting sometimes, I’m somewhat disassociated, someone else in control of the words that leave my mouth. The urge to shout profanities like a upcoming sneeze. I hold it so hard I can no longer breathe… I feel like someone is pulling me from beneath.
I have shown feelings to people I’ve trusted with my heart, I’ve taken time to help them understand who I truly am, I’m not a simple person, I’m not a simple soul, but I am worth knowing, I know this of myself.
My needs are not many, my feelings complete… I will fight the negativity with every part of myself.
I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I have doubted myself… There have been moments when the negative thoughts have overtaken the positivity I try to hold close.
I keep on getting up… I won’t give up… I will always fight for the better parts of myself
No one understands,
i cant think straight.
What was that?
Trying my hardest,
So you tell me im crazy?
dont even start.
Struggling with Bi-Polar,
I cant help im all over the place,
the devil has my soul.
I’m sorry im a waste of space,
im sorry you cant see.
But whats going on inside my head,
is slowly killing me…..
When there are times when I wonder why the world has become such a scary place, I withdraw myself from it, put headphones in my ears and listen to music.
I give life a new soundtrack, and take in that world with my other senses. I see it through my own eye, and take in its vibrant colours which constantly change with the weather and light.
I take in the different scents, and the feel of the warm sun on my face, or the wind, or even the cold droplets of rain that fall from the clouds.
Life is an interesting concept, something we are brought into without true thought… We are influenced by so many different things, but it is our choice to learn about life, to make our own decisions, and be a person we truly aspire to be.
A lot of people follow, some feel they won’t fit in if they don’t. There is no right or wrong way to be if you’re yourself.
I’ve come to realise that there are people who will take the time to get to know me, and others who will judge me by first glance.
I’ve learnt that if you judge a book by its cover, you can miss so much. I would always take the time to read a few pages first before I decide.
I know that life can be short, but I hope to live mine in the best way I can, I try not to let my anxiety overtake me. I strive to better myself with every day that passes, to express myself through art and writing.
To be able to give people who are unable to express themselves a voice through their words, or art, for me this is my way of giving back… Giving them a chance to not lock those feelings inside…
To fight the stigma, and create a world where mental ill health isn’t ignored.
The world can be a scary place, let’s make it a better place… One day at a time.
Exists a source of latent bane;
Ensnared in logic’s cunning ruse
A nameless demon will abuse.
Deprived of certain circumstance
Diverging paths demand a chance;
Without intention one will find
Progress down a course unkind.
One day manic, the next morose,
Impulsive panic, lachrymose.
Incessant flux will exhaust
And mute vitality must accost.
An affliction of the whole
Branding marks upon the soul.
Fractious thoughts into dolor,
Endeavor to control Bipolar.
Voices play and they also taunt… They snigger at you when you try to rest, and can’t catch a wink of sleep… Leaving you there listening, even over music or film, so people wonder why there’s so much going on… TV on as well as a laptop with music, and possibly a game on my phone.
Visits to the doctor become disheartening because they can’t offer any advice other than to carry on taking the medication which is obviously not doing it’s job.
It affects relationships with family, friends and that someone special in your life… And makes you feel they’d be better off without you.
Why do I feel so weak when people see me as strong. One minute I’ll be fine… And the next crying. One day be able to cope… And the next struggling to even keep my eyes open.
Wishing one day just to wake up with some kind of normal… Whatever normal is… It most definitely isn’t this!