I’ve always been pretty open about my mental health, and it’s something I’m not ashamed to talk about.
It is something that is part of my life, whether I like it or not… So when I look in the mirror, I am prepared to see whichever version of myself wants to be seen.
There are days, weeks and months when the medication seems to work, and there’s a kind of normality which makes you let your guard down, and almost take for granted feelings which were once completely void… Not so long ago.
To be honest… I don’t actually understand what normal is, and sometimes find it hard to believe I am actually awake at all.
The scene in “The Matrix” which depicts where Neo awakes seems quite plausible, in fact I do wonder if the world outside my own bedroom has any reality to it at all.
When I was younger I used to escape into books, art and photography. I love these things as much now as I did then, yet I am sometimes unable to find such solace within them. It is like a dementor has sucked out every piece of happiness it once gave… Robbing words from meaning, and making me unable to make sense of words on a page, or even the spoken word at the worst of times.
Living in a muted play which I am not part of… A passenger almost. A disassociation that somehow lets me see myself from above, yet not control.
My life a runaway train on a rollercoaster track… Sometimes so fast I almost come off! There are twists and turns and times of uncertainty… Which is true of everyone. I know there are monsters in my dreams… The ones who seek me whilst awake are the ones I should truly fear.
I hope I have the strength to always weather the storms, and endure lifes rollercoaster… As there is no second chance.