Lullaby of Screaming Thoughts – Baby Kitten

A drift in a dream, my thoughts sang to me,
Clouded illusions and lullabies 
As they crept in and entangled  me,

The latch left open to the forbidden door in my mind
Seduced by the melancholy of  familiar ghosts, 
Tangling only to unwind

A whisper so faint, at first my ears could barely hear
Then contemptuously growing louder,
Aware I want it to disappear 

Don’t you turn your back on me! 
Don’t you pretend you don’t know I’m here!

Pleading and begging to be heard only long enough,
To make myself clear.

Hold me, comfort me now,
I begged you back then,
Cause they didn’t know how

Don’t you see, it makes no difference to my past?
No rerouting these old beaten paths

The things I’ve  only learned just now
We can’t force ourselves to undo,
The things our minds just  won’t allow

So, I listen to the whispers playing softly in my head
Until they finally grow tired, and I carry  them off  to bed
Gently wrapped in love, 
Tenderly taking on their childhood dread

You see, if I listen to them speak,
The whispers turn to lullabies
Naively singing themselves to sleep, 
Beneath popsickle stained lips, and hooded eyes

Free now to float on the wings of hazy dreams, 
Sweet innocence so sincere,
Free to float within a dreamland,
Made  of fantasy and fear

Disillusioned, we awake to our current state, 
Plagued with tears,
And the truths we’ve forced ourselves to negate,
Thoughts like  lullabies,
Entangled  in dreams for so many years.

​I’ve always been pretty open about my mental health, and it’s something I’m not ashamed to talk about. 

It is something that is part of my life,  whether I like it or not… So when I look in the mirror, I am prepared to see whichever version of myself wants to be seen. 
There are days, weeks and months when the medication seems to work, and there’s a kind of normality which makes you let your guard down, and almost take for granted feelings which were once completely void… Not so long ago.
To be honest… I don’t actually understand what normal is, and sometimes find it hard to believe I am actually awake at all. 
The scene in “The Matrix” which depicts where Neo awakes seems quite plausible,  in fact I do wonder if the world outside my own bedroom has any reality to it at all. 
When I was younger I used to escape into books, art and photography. I love these things as much now as I did then,  yet I am sometimes unable to find such solace within them. It is like a dementor has sucked out every piece of happiness it once gave…  Robbing words from meaning, and making me unable to make sense of words on a page, or even the spoken word at the worst of times. 
Living in a muted play which I am not part of…  A passenger almost. A disassociation that somehow lets me see myself from above, yet not control.
My life a runaway train on a rollercoaster track… Sometimes so fast I almost come off! There are twists and turns and times of  uncertainty… Which  is true of everyone. I know there are monsters in my dreams…  The ones who seek me whilst awake are the ones I should truly fear. 
I hope I have the strength to always weather the storms, and endure lifes rollercoaster… As there is no second chance.