Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot

“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”

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Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You’re frightened, and you’re frightening, and you’re “not at all like yourself but will be soon,” but you know you won’t.

On this day 3 years ago

I sometimes wonder why I’m so different to other people… but then I realise that is a positive thing, because many other people are not so outgoing, sensitive or caring… and also… that little quirk the doctors try to heal, is what makes me special… I know who I am and I’m not afraid to show others. I am proud of who I am… and how far I have come 🙂 with everyday that passes I become a stronger and more confident person 🙂

Kay Redfield Jamison – An Unquiet Mind

“There is a particular kind of pain, elation, loneliness, and terror involved in this kind of madness. When you’re high it’s tremendous. The ideas and feelings are fast and frequent like shooting stars, and you follow them until you find better and brighter ones. Shyness goes, the right words and gestures are suddenly there, the power to captivate others a felt certainty. There are interests found in uninteresting people. Sensuality is pervasive and the desire to seduce and be seduced irresistible. Feelings of ease, intensity, power, well-being, financial omnipotence, and euphoria pervade one’s marrow. But, somewhere, this changes. The fast ideas are far too fast, and there are far too many; overwhelming confusion replaces clarity. Memory goes. Humor and absorption on friends’ faces are replaced by fear and concern. Everything previously moving with the grain is now against– you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and enmeshed totally in the blackest caves of the mind. You never knew those caves were there. It will never end, for madness carves its own reality.”
― Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

I try to see the positive in everything…. and get through the day with at least one genuine smile, or feeling of achievement. To see another’s smile,  or know I have changed someone’s day makes a difference only I see, or feel. I’m learning things about myself with every day, and I know this is something that will happen… It isn’t a bad thing, I know myself well, but I learn… I feel… and think too much sometimes… I’m far from perfect,  but I am a good person. I see the negatives, and I hope the positives outweigh them… I guess I should say… underneath this sometimes tough looking exterior, I’m actually sometimes as delicate as everyone else, and with my lows this is something that is even more true. With every day there are different feelings… All I can do is ride this rollercoaster they call life… and hope I survive the ups and downs.. and twists and turns.

Havoc – Alanis Morissette

Just when I thought
I had handles on this
I can soften my guard behind false confidence

Just when I felt
Humble pie insipid
Exempt from this blind-side and firmly in its grip
Cause I am seduced by reaction and under the influence
I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

I get reduced by my own willfulness as
I reach for my usual God replacements
Cause I am rich with sanction and lax in my steps

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

If forgiveness is understanding
Then I offer mea culpa for the millionth time
From this tumbling house of cards of mine

I am beaten by my impulsiveness
By this uncanny foreshadowing of regret
Cause I’m repulsed by restriction at least that’s my excuse

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense I’m
Wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence

I’m slipping again
I’m up to old tricks off my wagon
I have no defense
I’m wreaking havoc
Wreaking havoc and consequence