Why?

Crying on the inside, but no tears are falling… Holding back angry curse tics as my muscles spasm. How can I be this strong person everyone tells me I am? When all I feel like doing is running away 😦 The anxiety isn’t going anywhere…  it kicks my arse regularly… Today is no exception 😥 I hate it…  I hate what it does to me…  Making my heart race so fast I feel like I might faint…  Why can’t I just shake it off…  Why don’t the techniques I’ve learnt through CBT work? And why does it smack me full in the face when I least expect it?  How am I supposed to be successful in my wish to take my photography further? Why do I have so little control 😦

Lost

Sometimes no matter how well I feel,  I feel lost…  I’m not sure where I’m going…  But where I am is somewhere where I never thought I’d be.

I sometimes want to run away… But where to?  Just simply lost…  No way in OR out

:’-(

Sometimes I think I know where I’m going.. Like the blindfold has temporarily been taken off and I’m free to see again.

Life isn’t always straight forward, and you have to live to others means and needs. To be as open as one can be without giving everything.

Hoping one day to be enough, to be able to be oneself and not be ashamed by ones weaknesses.

I guess I’m still learning who I am…  But I know more than most. I’m good enough, and I know this…  even if that means I have to walk away from people and things I cherish… I guess that’s the way it has to be.

Feeling quite low right now…  But it will pass

Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation

“I’m the girl who is lost in space, the girl who is disappearing always, forever fading away and receding farther and farther into the background. Just like the Cheshire cat, someday I will suddenly leave, but the artificial warmth of my smile, that phony, clownish curve, the kind you see on miserably sad people and villains in Disney movies, will remain behind as an ironic remnant. I am the girl you see in the photograph from some party someplace or some picnic in the park, the one who is in fact soon to be gone. When you look at the picture again, I want to assure you, I will no longer be there. I will be erased from history, like a traitor in the Soviet Union. Because with every day that goes by, I feel myself becoming more and more invisible…”

What is real?

Have you ever watched something and wondered if it is true? Or read a book which has asked the same questions you have asked yourself…  But only in your mind?

Deja Vu seems too much of a cliche… You look deeper,  it becomes an obsession almost…  You question everything, learn more about things, and you realise some things are said to control us.  The world as we know it is full of deceit.

Who can you trust?  Which parts of the thoughts can you trust?

This is something I constantly wonder… For years I have tried to deny these thoughts processes…  The ones which occupy,  overtake  and cause anxiety.

I fight unhelpful thoughts… But sometimes they take over me…  I can only be as strong as I am being…  Sometimes I need help too.

Random thoughts

oh why oh why do you keep me awake… Silly thoughts which make no sense, Why? What? Where? How? Should I really care so much? Analysing, Over Analysing – confused.com. – hmmmmm – are the meds truly working, as I feel like I’m gonna go crazy – I don’t sleep – I’m not eating properly – moods cycling – find myself crying – oooeeerrr where’s the pause button?? – welcome to my life – this is what bipolar feels like :-/

Thank goodness for Netflix & DVDs

I find myself awake a lot when I’m alone…  Watching the seconds,  and minutes turn into hours, the darkness turn to light.

I would love to fall asleep… There was a time when a film would do the trick…  But lately so many things run through my mind.

It’s so strange how this happens… When I’m with my partner I have no trouble at all with sleep.

I’m so thankful for my film collection… And my love of it.

It dulls the many what ifs and buts which circle my head.

Let’s hope for better sleep tomorrow.