My thoughts…

When I was at school I was teased and bullied for being different, not just because I was mixed race,  but because I didn’t really fit in.

I wasn’t popular, I wasn’t really very clever, I never really knew where I should be in the general  hierarchy… I was just this fuzzy haired mixed race kid… The weirdo with a squint who spent too much time looking at others, trying to figure them out.

They put my behaviour down to my background… Being fostered,  not knowing much about my real family. Yet it was more complex than that… There was my anxiety, the deep thoughts and feelings… I was never far from the darker side of them.

Kids said things that hurt, without any thought of consequence, and now I’m older I’ve realised that doesn’t change.

Some people never truly grow up…  That’s just the way it is. They don’t have the intelligence to treat people who are different to them as equal…  Instead they see their differences as a threat.

I was told that I was a bad person because my mum couldn’t look after me.  That I deserved to be bullied because black and mixed raced people were bad.

I believed them, like the bad dreams I had at night. I thought on many occasions I’d be better off dead, even my mind told me this.

BUT my family still loved me,  so I knew deep down it couldn’t be true. You fight the hardest battles in your head. Trying to make sense of all the broken pieces. There were so many… It’s like trying to wind the tape back into a cassette with a pencil…  Slow, tedious, and long winded…  But worth it when you can play it again, and it all makes sense.

I know myself pretty well now…  I’ve come to terms with my differences, and I embrace them, as I am who I am…

Sometimes I said things that I shouldn’t have…  Retaliated in the wrong way to bullies in my past as well as my present. I guess with each day we learn, it’s our choice to I guess.

I hope I continue to learn…  I hope I continue to fight.

By Alysha Speer

Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolick, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.

Mixed messages

I believe it is normal to think about things whilst laid in bed at the end of the day… However when you start wondering if that person who barged into you at the train station that morning  really meant it when he said sorry… That’s when you realise you may think to much.

Why did I do something a certain way?…  Why didn’t I do something else?

The possibilities are endless…  And unfortunately they carry on into dreams, nightmares…  Which are real?…  Which are fake?

Please let me switch off.

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggggghhhhh… That is all :-/

I never have to worry about being alone…  My thoughts will always be there to keep me company.

I wish for one day they wouldn’t be so intrusive. I mean shut the hell up…  Let me hear something other than your persistent crap which does nothing more than annoy me.

Aaaaaarrrrggghh I find myself scream out loud. One day they will quieten… I can only hope it is soon.

Batman vs Mental Illness

I honestly believe that DC’s Batman depicts mental illness in a way which could misinterpreted in a negative sense. Although I really do love the Batman series of comics, graphic novels, and films, I also worry it’s depiction of mental illness could do more harm than good.

The Asylum in Arkham has many, described as criminally insane. Do people with mental ill health deserve to be locked away, and feared, rather than helped?

Saying this fans have learnt to love the bad as well as good characters in the series.

Batman himself is not a simple character, he seems to battle with his mind more than any of the bad guys and girls. We all know the story, a young Bruce Wayne witnesses his parents, Thomas and Martha Wayne’s death at the hands of mugger Joe Chill.

He vows to avenge their deaths, and uncover the reason why they were targeted that night, and why Bruce himself wasn’t killed alongside them. He holds his fear close to his heart, and on many an occasion this has caused anguish, and thoughts that deceive his wish for all things good and just.

I have drawn some pieces which depict some of the characters within quotes and typography. I hope you all like…

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The Bat depicts the Batman, the very symbol cast into the sky when he is needed to assist the Commissioner Gordon. The quote I feel is quaint, and most relevant to use, due to Batman’s power struggle with himself.

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The Joker: “Why So Serious?”A design which has been done, but I had to do my own version as part of this. The words also form the characters hair, eyes and lips. A haunting design, but very interesting. Joker himself a very creepy clown, yet clowns are fun, interesting and live for the laughter of others… Not this clown. Therefore the question itself is somewhat rhetoric as he means to be taken seriously.

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The Penguin: The Penguin, disfigured and extremely hard to read. He is a power hungry man who has nothing but pure hatred for those who have shunned him. He hates mankind so much that he considers himself to be a Penguin, a freak. The quote is relevant therefore, as Penguin embraces his difference, whilst Batman hides behind a mask.

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The Riddler: A mysterious and tricky man, very proud of himself and his clever mind. He taunts his enemies with riddles and puzzles which could mean life or death for them, or his captured. The quote “Riddle me this” therefore gives the required wonder as to what he would be asking next.

“Out Of Darkness Cometh Light”

The City of Wolverhampton where I was born had the quote that is the title of this piece. It has always meant a lot to me,  and I have it tattooed on my upper left arm. It reminds me when times get tough…  That it is never for forever, and that I will see the light again. I truly believe it will… 

Even when the depression won’t let me see it, and the weather shows nothing but rain, and dark overwhelming clouds.  The storms are very rough… And there are always casualties, ruined relationships, and lives.

All I hope is that I keep on being strong… Keep on believing there will be happier times…  Because I deserve to feel it.  I deserve a chance, just like everybody else.

Lacey Turners’ bipolar portrayal in Eastenders

Eastenders’ Stacey (Lacey Turner)  is playing a good part. Find myself crying… Remembering how real psychosis feels…  How scary it is. Post partum psychosis is very rare, although heightened with her diagnosis of Bipolar.

It is something that I know my biological mum had after having me. I understand her now more than ever…  It’s just a shame she’s not still around to talk to me about it. She died a year ago on the 30th December, I was only really getting to know her. 53 years old isn’t any age.

Hmmmm

I truly wish I could make sense of the many thoughts that run through my head at the rate of an express train.

Take a deep breath in and remember to let it go… Stop worrying about things that happened days or even weeks ago.

But why??  Even this question will probably haunt me later… If only I could let it go… Because other than me…  Who cares?

Lyrics that mean so much to me…

Tapes – Alanis Morissette

I am someone easy to leave,
Even easier to forget a voice, if inaccurate. Again: I’m the one they all run from diatribes of clouded sun, someone help me find the pause button

All these tapes in my head swirl around keeping my vibe down,
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own, wreaking havoc

I’m too exhausting to be loved,
a volatile chemical,
best to quarantine and cut off.

All these tapes in my head swirl around keeping my vibe down.
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own, wreaking havoc

I’m but thorn in your sweet side,
You are better off without me…
It’d be best to leave at once…

All these tapes in my head swirl around, keeping my vibe down,
All these thoughts in my head aren’t my own, wreaking havoc.