When you are asked to look at yourself… I mean “really” look at yourself? What do you see? Does your reflection show you for who you really are? Do you even recognise yourself? Imagine feeling like you don’t exist, like looking into that very mirror and not seeing a reflection at all, just the room and the world behind you completely distorted and devoid of you. Every day seems to merge into the next, as you lay awake at night watching the seconds, minutes and hours pass.
Your head full of the nonsensical garbage, which circles round and round and round, until you could quite happily shoot yourself just so it would stop, so that everything would stop.
BUT you wouldn’t, because you care for the people you would leave behind. I don’t think anyone can truly realise how lost a soul can be, they usually notice too late. I was told today that a colleague at work attempted suicide, it upset me a lot to hear someone say that she had done so to get attention.
When somebody attempts to take their life, they do not do so lightly, it is far from the coward’s way out, or a way to seek attention. Have you ever held a cold blade against your wrist, with the want to draw it across deep enough to draw all the blood out of your body? Stood on top of a bridge so tall that if you were to jump you would fall to your death? Sat down on a railway track waiting for a train to tear you apart? If you have answered yes to any of these, then you too know that this isn’t an easy way out. The thoughts taunt you, pick at you, haunt and deceive you.
I hate hearing the thought processes, and the voices, so hateful, I want so much to expel these, but they return again, time after time… when you least expect them too. Have you ever asked a friend how they are, without any intention of actually listening to the answer? I haven’t, because I know how much it hurts knowing that someone you consider to be a friend actually couldn’t give a shit about the answer you give. They hear what they want to… probably only the generic “Yeah fine thanks” not the “Yeah ok I guess, I could really do with someone to talk to”
This isn’t because they don’t care about you, believe it or not. It is actually because listening to someone who is down is too much for them, it scares them. Trust me knowing this only alienates me as a person more, I get scared too and I’d like more than my teddy bear to hug me back and tell me it’s going to be ok.
What I have is not contagious, you won’t catch anything from me, I can be loved, and not everyone will run away. Those who matter will want to hear the answer to the question how are you? And one day just like me, you will see your true self looking right back at you.