Unsure what to do…

I feel a little lost, and I’m not sure what I really want to do about the way I feel right now. I’d like to say that the help is there, I’d like to say once diagnosis is found it’s a lot easier… but it is not. 

For over 3 years I have been trying to get help to adjust my medication, and over that time I have been told that it won’t be possible as this medication has worked over the long term. 

I’m fed up of being told that I have a great understanding of my diagnosis… I may well do, which should surely make it clear that this medication change would be beneficial.

I can’t remember the last time I’ve been able to be on a level, lows have taken over.

Maybe they feel a depressed me is easier to deal with… but feeling this way effects not only me… but those close to me.

I can hope that this will change… but I feel a personal tapering of said medication may have to be done for me… and those close to me.


Misunderstood even by myself 

There are days I wish I could just stop the world and just get off… it seems to be spinning way to fast and I’m finding it increasingly harder to hold on.

 I am but a speck of dust waiting to be blown away, insignificant and faceless to those around me. I am lost… and somewhat found, making little sense to those close to me.

I wish only to be understood, I want only to feel real.

A Vision In Red, Black & Grey 

When something that was once unclear is now completely clear. An image can say so many things if one takes the time to view.

My very own vision in three colours and tones, says simply that if you look deeper you can find… the inner workings of my very own mind.

I am not the greatest artist, or writer, but when I am able to do either there is one thing that’s true…

It is with my whole heart that I do so.

Polar Love – E M Cole

Developed a phobia

I scare the living daylights out of myself
Back and forth I fight inside
Of who I am going to be that day and why
Pushing outside to live and breath
Let myself be me 
No questions asked
Love who I came to be
My skin scarred 
Heart with bars
Mind entwined 
With razors and vines
Who is actually in there
Peeks out for moments 
Then I’m lost for days
Don’t speak you “double-minded” fool
They say you can’t even think for you
Medicated till I drop
Who even knows the real me
Lots and lots of laughter 
Clever sarcasm 
Drifting thoughts 
Sleep a must
Seems like pixie dust
Capture me, somebody…
Love me like I am, whoever that may be.
I beg of you.
See me through. 
Don’t leave before you experience 
My loyalty. 
My love and loyalty. 

The two sides of me – Airy

The war shall carry on within the two sides of me.

My blood seeps through my veins in peace on one side
Then rushes in tirades on the other side of me.
One day I will tear the whole world down in unwavering bravery.
The next I bury the sunlight and lie down in my own grave.
The light hides the darkness and the darkness charades as light
Should I let go of what is left of serenity in my path?
My soul wants to hold on to the wings of angels above
But then my heart wants to look down deep into the crevices of nothingness and loneliness.
Will I wake up tomorrow conquering the battle or dying in a blood bath?
Soaring with the winds or dying in the tornado cycles?
Wasted breath lies in wonder, of the two sides of me, which will I wake up to?
Will I reach for the moonlight whilst listening to the waves crash below me?
Or will I fall upon broken stars that will scar me forever?
I shall arise each day and ponder which mask of the two sides of me should I wear?
There is nothing left anymore, she has died, all is left is the two sides of me.

A blur…

I am here, yet I am not… like a blur that makes no sense to the eye. A piece of art without a purpose… just simply here… like time and space conspire against me… and day turns to night without warning. I am the skip on the dvd, the unravelled remnants of a cassette tape.

Something that takes time to fix, but I wonder if it’s worth the time at all. I over think these thoughts, I’m plagued by them day and night… it never quiet, it never stills. Each day that passes it keeps on with it’s taunts.

A radio playing, a TV on at the same time anything to calm my unquiet mind… one day it will tire but I’m so afraid… that day will be the one I stand over my grave. 


Unsure how to feel, unsure why I feel at all, wish it would make sense instead of being something that leaves me questioning so much.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else, could enjoy special moments without feeling guilty, be wary of happiness in case it’s something worse.

Mania is something truly beautiful, yet truly destructive, I wish for something in between. A happy medium, a happiness, a truth… a feeling of normality… to be able to live life… without regret and worry.